KEVIN HART: LET ME EXPLAIN

To Enter the Kevin Hart: Let Me Explain screening contest comment below your favorite, best joke.  One entry per email address all entries will be put in a random drawing. 

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21 Responses to “KEVIN HART: LET ME EXPLAIN”

  1. Robyn says:

    A copy just pulled me over and said ‘Papers’, so I said ‘Scissors’ I win and drove off!

  2. TYRONE HILL says:

    An old man took his son fishing on a quiet lake. they were in a boat and the old man was catching fish after fish. They were nice big fish and the son did not have a single bite. Frustrated, the son asks, “Dad how you catch so many fish. The dad gives a muffled reply, “uum guuthh umm kehkt umm wumm whet”. the son says “what?” “uum guuthh umm kehkt umm wumm whet”. The son says what again, so the old man harks and spits into his hand and holds his hand up to the son to show the contents as he says, “You gotta keep your worms wet!”

  3. Robyn says:

    A cop just pulled me over and said ‘Papers’, so I said ‘Scissors’ I win and drove off!

  4. Jamaal Washington says:

    A woman walks into an ice cream parlor:
    “Excuse me sir, may I have a pint of chocolate ice cream?”
    Guy working in ice cream shop:
    “Oh, I’m sorry ma’am, but we’re all out of chocolate ice cream…”
    W: “FINE!!!” *storms out of store**comes back 10 min later* “Ok I’ll take a half gallon of chocolate ice cream.”
    G: “Ma’am, didn’t you hear me when I said we dont have ANY chocolate ice cream?!?!?!?!”
    W: “OK FINE!!!” *storms out again, comes back AGAIN* “Ok maybe I’ll just have one scoop of choc..”
    G: *cuts her off mid speech* “Excuse me ma’am, but can u spell the VAN in VANILLA?”
    W: “Sure V-A-N.”
    G: “Can u spell the STRAW in STRAWBERRY?”
    W: “Yep… S-T-R-A-W.”
    G: ” Well can you spell the FUCK…. in chocolate?”
    W: “But there aint no FUCK in chocolate.”
    G: “That’s what I’ve been trying to tell you lady, THERE AINT NO FUCKIN CHOCOLATE!!!!”

  5. LAURA MCCREIGHT says:

    Q: What did the bartender say when a priest, a boyscout, and a blonde walked in?
    A: Is this a joke?

  6. Ryan W says:

    ”I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.”

  7. Rudy Douglas says:

    A woman pregnant with triplets is walking down the street when a masked robber runs out of the bank and shoots her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies are okay. The surgeon decides to leave the bullets in because it’s too risky to operate. All is fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walks into the woman’s room in tears. “What’s wrong?” asks the mother. “I was going pee and this bullet came out!” replies the daughter. The mother tells her it’s okay and explains what happened 16 years ago.
    About a week later the second daughter walks in to the room in tears. “Mom, I was going pee and this bullet came out!” Again the mother tells her not to worry and explains what happened 16 years ago. A week later the boy walks into the room in tears. “It’s okay,” says the mom, “I know what happened, you were going pee and a bullet came out.” The boy cries out, “No, I was jerking off and I shot the dog!

  8. marlon b says:

    Joke

    A dick has a sad life. His hair’s a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor’s an asshole, his bestfriend’s a pussy, and his owner beats him.

  9. mika says:

    How do you make a tissue dance? You put a little boogie in it.

  10. Daniel Wickenhauser says:

    “I’ve got an oscillating fan at my house. The fan goes back and forth. It looks like the fan is saying “No”. So I like to ask it questions that a fan would say no to. Do you keep my hair in place? Do you keep my documents in order? Do you have three settings? Liar!

  11. Ashley Gilbert says:

    What’s a nosey pepper do??

    Gets Jalapeno business!

  12. Eddie B says:

    What’s red and goes up and down? A Tomato in an elevator!

  13. nikki house says:

    This little girl had a head band with a mustache on it. I said, “I mustache you a question.” She said, “shave it for later!

  14. mika says:

    Yo Momma So Fat The Only Letters She Knows In The Alphabet Are K.F.C

  15. trica says:

    What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef

  16. Mr. Brown says:

    Knock knock? Who’s there? Knock knock? Who’s there? If I knock knock one more time I going to leave.

  17. trica says:

    Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice

  18. Kenyatta says:

    A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

    On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle, I’m still a virgin.”

    “What?” said the puzzled groom.

    “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?”

    “Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

    Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he’d look into it and get back to me.

    Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn’t get the system up.

    Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn’t know when he would be able to deliver.

    Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

    Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn’t sure whether it was his job or not.

    Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

    Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

    Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

    Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was… God! I miss him! But now that I’ve married you, I’m really excited!”

    “Good,” said the new husband, “but, why?”

    “You’re a lawyer. This time I know I’m gonna get screwed!”

  19. Kristin says:

    A newlywed couple moves into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?” The husband says, “What do I look like, Mr. Plumber?” A few days go by, and he comes home from work and his wife says, “Honey, the car won’t start. I think it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?” He says: “What do I look like, Mr. Goodwrench?” Another few days go by, and it’s raining pretty hard. The wife finds a leak in the roof. She says, “Honey, there’s a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?” He says, “What do I look like, Bob Vila?” The next day the husband comes home, and the roof is fixed. So is the plumbing. So is the car. He asks his wife what happened. “Oh, I had a handyman come in and fix them,” she says. “Great! How much is that going to cost me?” he snarls. Wife says: “Nothing. He said he’d do it for free if I either baked him a cake or slept with him.” “Uh, well, what kind of cake did you make?” asks the husband. “What do I look like,” she says, “Betty Crocker?”

  20. Janene says:

    Kevin Hart is so short you can see his feet on his drivers license!!

  21. Rick says:

    How much does a pirate pay to get his ears pierced?
    A Buck N ear

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